What Matters Most

As parents, we have the responsibility to raise responsible children. “A home with a loving and loyal husband and wife is the supreme setting in which children can be reared in love and righteousness and in which the spiritual and physical needs of children can be met" (Bednar). The Family: A Proclamation to the World states that it is our duty to "be law-abiding citizens wherever [we] live" and "to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society".

As we teach our children to live righteously and live the commandments, we fulfill our duties as parents. We will be accountable for our parenting, and I hope that we don't become caught up in being perfect and miss out on what matters most.

"I speak to fathers and mothers everywhere with a plea to put harshness behind us, to bridle our anger, to lower our voices, and to deal with mercy and love respect one toward anther in our homes" (Hawkins et al).

We can't teach our children to be law-abiding and responsible citizens if we don't show them how such citizens act. Telling a child to avoid drinking and doing drugs only goes so far, and if we have a cigarette or a glass of wine every once in  a while, they will become confused by the contradition between our actions and our words. Too often we follow the "do as I say, not as I do" idea in our parenting methods. 

Ezra Taft Benson said, "Children must be taught right from wrong. They can and must learn the commandments of God. They must be taught that it is wrong to steal, lie, cheat, or covet what others have. Children must be taught to work at home. They should learn there that honest labor develops dignity and self-respect. They should learn the pleasure of work, of doing a job well.”

Only by teaching our children what matters most can we fully appreciate what matters most in life. How great will be our joy as we watch our children grow and develop into the person we are raising them to become. 


Sources:

Bednar, D., (June 2006), Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan, Retrieved October 30, 2015 from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan?lang=eng

Benson, E. (1992, July 1). Salvation-A Family Affair. Retrieved November 2, 2015, from https://www.lds.org/ensign/1992/07/salvation-a-family-affair?lang=eng

Hawkins, A., Dollahite, D., & Draper, T. (2012). Parenting in Gospel Context: Practices Do Make a Difference. In Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World. (1995, September 23). Retrieved October 29, 2015, from https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation

Heroic Duties

I'd like to start today's post out with the words of Brad Paisley:

I met the man I call my dad when I was five years old

He took my mom out to a movie and for once I got to go

A few months later I remember lying there in bed

I overheard him pop the question and prayed that she'd say yes

And then all of a sudden

Oh, it seemed so strange to me

How we went from something's missing

To a family

Lookin' back all I can say

About all the things he did for me

Is I hope I'm at least half the dad

That he didn't have to be

This song always reminds me of the type of parent I want to be. In the song, the young boy is overwhelmed by the love he is shown by his step-father. I feel that such love and devotion to our children is not only necessary, but our duty as parents. As parents, we "have a sacred duty to rear [our] children in love and righteousness" (The Family).

Our duties as parents are similar to heroic duties held by superheroes. For example, heroes protect and defend people from threats. They slay the dragon or put the bad guy in jail. Being a hero requires more than just being a good role model. It requires sacrifice and effort. Iron Man didn't become a superhero by building a cool suit. He became a hero by saving the lives of innocent people. He was a hero because he risked his life.

Now, parents are not asked to sacrifice their lives for their children to become heroes, but sacrifices do need to be made. Our time is no longer our own. It belongs to our spouse and our children. We may have to sacrifice reading the next chapter in that wonderful book, or give up watching that chick flick to help finish a science project or kiss a "boo-boo". It is through our actions that our heroic character develops.

We must become "models of appropriate behavior consistent with self-control, positive values, and positive attitudes" (Hawkins et al). Developing these attributes prepares us to be able to fulfill all of our parental and heroic duties.

As quoted above, being a parent is a sacred duty. Not an important or meaningful duty- a sacred duty. Don't be discouraged by this duty, God has given us "commandments, guiding principles, and helpful examples in the scriptures, along with the counsel of modern-day prophets and apostles" to help us as we fulfill our duties as parents (Hawkins et al). 

How can we influence our children for good? How do we make sure that they follow the right path? It has been discovered that "it is within the moral and spiritual domains where parents can have the most influence" (Hawkins et al). This makes sense, because our religious views and practices shape how we think and who we become. I truly believe that "one of the most powerful tools that parents have in teaching positive values to their children is their religious faith" (Hawkins et al). 

I believe that through our actions we can show our children the correct principles in life to live by. I believe that as we sacrifice our time to truly get to know our children and to become their friend, we can also become their hero. I believe that "Of all the joys of life, none other equals that of happy parenthood. Of all the responsibilities with which we struggle, none other is so serious. To rear children in an atmosphere of love, security, and faith is the most rewarding of all challenges. The good result from such efforts becomes life’s most satisfying compensation" (Hinckley).

Sources:

Hawkins, A., Dollahite, D., & Draper, T. (2012). Parenting with Love, Limits, and Latitude: Proclamation Principles and Supportive Scholarship. In Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

Hinckley, G. (1994, October 1). Save the Children. Retrieved October 30, 2015, from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1994/10/save-the-children?lang=eng

Lovelace, J., Paisley, B. (1999). He Didn’t Have to be [Recorded by Brad Paisley]. On Who Needs Pictures [cd]. Nashville, Tennessee: Artista Nashville.

You be my Lois Lane, I'll be Your Superman

Who doesn't want their story to end happily ever after? "Isn’t that what we all desire: to be the heroes and heroines of our own stories; to triumph over adversity; to experience life in all its beauty; and, in the end, to live happily ever after?" (Uchtdorf). As we all know, there is a lot of work to be done between our Once Upon a Time and our Happily Ever After. We all face our own hardships and misfortunes. Occasionally, when a marriage doesn't meet our expectations we may consider divorce. The purpose of this post is not to lecture you on divorce I am not the most reliable source on saving your marriage. Rather, I want to show ways for us to fight for our marriages. However, I do realize that despite our best efforts divorce must occur. I believe in heroes and that in the end good always triumphs over evil. I encourage you to heed the words of an unknown author which are, "when you feel like quitting think about why you started."

James E. Faust said, "I have strong feelings about what is not provocation for breaking the sacred ovenants of marriage. Surely it is not simply 'mental distress' nor 'personality differences,' nor 'having grown apart,' nor 'having fallen our of love.' This is especially so where there are children" (Hawkins et al). Just as marriage is a major decision in our lives, so is the decision to get a divorce and end a relationship that we were so desperately committed to. 

Faust also taught that we should provide time to decide about divorce. We should not decide to get a divorce in the spur of the moment. A lot of consideration should go into such an important choice. For example, "many people divorce after a short period of problems and make their dicesion quickly, based almost solely on emotion" (Hawkins et al). Often regret stirs in those who have been divorced.  
I believe that in many cases, divorce can be avoided. For many considering divorce "the cause is not incompatibility but sefishness. The first step is not separation but reformation" (Hawkins et al).

The Family: A Proclamation to the world states, "Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." As we work hard to create a loving atmosphere in our homes, happiness and joy will begin to abound. 

I believe that as we work through our trials together as spouses, our children will learn and grow from our examples. Solving problems as a team and not defaulting to divorce demonstrates the worth of marriage. Just as Superman always saves Lois from her doom, we can be the heroes in our marriages. We may not be faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, or able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but we are shaping the future as we teach our children right from wrong. Through our examples, we can teach our children that in the end good triumphs over evil. That, despite the trials we may face, we can reach our happily ever after. 

Sources: 

Hawkins, A., Dollahite, D., & Draper, T. (2012). Should I Keep Trying to Work It Out? Sacred and Secular Perspectives on the Crossroads of Divorce. In Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World. (1995, September 23). Retrieved October 29, 2015, from https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation

Uchtdorf, D. (2010, April 1). Your Happily Ever After. Retrieved October 22, 2015, from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/your-happily-ever-after?lang=eng

Equal Partnership: The Incredibles

When I think of a successful family unit, I think of the Incredibles. Just like any family, they have their problems and disagreements. However, they work through them together and that makes all the difference. “The secret of a happy marriage is to serve God and each other. The goal of marriage is unity and oneness, as well as self-development” (Benson).

“Equal partnerships are not made in heaven—they are made on earth, one choice at a time, one conversation at a time, one threshold crossing at a time. And getting there is hard work” (Hafen). In today's world, equal partnerships in marriage are not as supported as they should be. Christ's restored church declares that marriage is an equal partnership both here on earth and forever in the eternities, this belief is not common even among different Christian denominations (Hawkins et al).

As Latter-Day Heroes and defenders of the family, it is our duty to stand up for the equality in marriage relationships. “This generation will be called upon to defend the doctrine of the family as never before. If they don’t know the doctrine, they can’t defend it” (Beck). I hope that this post will help you to understand the doctrine of equal partnerships in marriage so that you are able to defend the family.

What does an equal partnership entail? Being equal does not mean being identical, but rather it means having the same value. For example, no two oxen are the same, one may be brown with spots and the other may be black. They could both be different ages. What is important is that they pull their load together. Their value as draft animals is the same, and therefore they can share the yoke and each pull the load together. One does not pull the right half and the other the left, instead the weight is equally shared between them. It is the same with marriage, we share the load with our spouse and the job gets done.

However, that does not mean that in a marriage everything is equal. It isn't doing your half of the dishes and making your half of the bed. Husbands and wives play different roles.

The Roles of  Wives and Mothers:

“Rearing happy, peaceful children is no easy challenge in today’s world, but it can be done, and it is being done. Responsible parenthood is the key. Above all else, children need to know and feel they are loved, wanted, and appreciated. They need to be assured of that often. Obviously, this is a role parents should fill, and most often the mother can do it best" (Benson). Mothers are in my opinion the most underrated people on the planet. They do so much to shape their children and provide them with their needs. Neal A. Maxwell stated, "what happens in cradles and kitchens will prove to be more effective than what goes on in Congress".

Personally, my mother has had more of an impact on my life than any other person. She encourages me to reach my full potential and to never give up. I know that I can always turn to her for advice and love. I believe that a special and sacred bond exists between a mother and her children.

The Roles of Husbands and Fathers:

In John 5:19 we read, "The Son can do nothing of himself, but what he seeth the Father do: for what things soever he doeth, these also doeth the Son likewise." Fathers are examples to their children. It is through the example of their actions rather than their words that children grow and learn. The Family: A Proclamation states, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families... In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." 

D- Dedicated

A- and

D- Devoted

Blessings of Working as Equal Partners:

No matter the differences between spouses, obtaining an equal partnership is not unattainable. In fact, "research has demonstrated that couples who have an equal partnership have happier relationships, better individul well-being, more effective parenting practices, and better-functioning children" (Hawkins et al).  Not only will working as equals bless our relationship with our spouse, it will strengthen the family unit as a whole, allowing the children to prosper as well. 

Sources:

Beck, J. (2011, March 1). Teaching the Doctrine of the Family. Retrieved October 5, 2015, from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2011/03/teaching-the-doctrine-of-the-family?lang=eng

Benson, E. (1992, July 1). Salvation-A Family Affair. Retrieved October 5, 2015, from https://www.lds.org/ensign/1992/07/salvation-a-family-affair?lang=eng

Hafen, B. (2007, August 1). Crossing Thresholds and Becoming Equal Partners. Retrieved October 12, 2015, from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/08/crossing-thresholds-and-becoming-equal-partners?lang=eng

Hawkins, A., Dollahite, D., & Draper, T. (2012). Equal Partnership between Men and Women in Families. In Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

Zero to hero

"When we ask why people become heroic, research doesn’t yet have an answer. It could be that heroes have more compassion or empathy; maybe there’s a hero gene; maybe it’s because of their levels of oxytocin—research by neuroeconomist Paul Zak has shown that this “love hormone” in the brain increases the likelihood you’ll demonstrate altruism. We don’t know for sure" (Zimbardo). 

Unfortunately, we can't become a hero by simply wanting to be one. Being a hero requires more than slaying monsters and getting the girl. As Hercules learned, "a true hero isn't measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart."

The process of becoming a hero is similar to the process of developing a successful relationship. 

First: You need to meet someone or become aware of their existence. Just as Hercules becomes aware of his powers, we become aware of the influence another might have on us.

Second: You must progress from acquaintance to building a relationship.  Behaviors that allow this change to come about include, "high levels of routine contact and activity (for example, calling, texting, going places together, and just spending lots of time together), providing emotional support and... talking about the relationship" (Hawkins et al). This is comparable to Hercules seeing his potential and practicing to become a true hero.

The main indicator that you have moved on to this phase is the first date. These are often awkward and uncomfortable. However, "most people seem to prefer being friends before moving into a possible romantic relationship" and going first as friends can ease the awkwardness of the situation. (Hawkins et al). Hercules didn't become a master swordsman by simply picking it up.  Dating is a process and the more you date, the easier it becomes.

Thirdly: Couples need to carry on in the relationship. They need to be invested in a long term relationship, and for most couples, marriage is the next natural step. Hercules is invested in his heroic abilities and works hard to ensure that he is prepared.

Lastly: Just because we finally got married, we are not able to stop putting effort into our relationship. We must "measure up" to our responsibilities and fulfill our roles in the home. 

The marriage process allows us to recognize the attributes we admire in others and to seek to gain those attributes as well. Hopefully we will all develop the qualities we appreciate in others. We can start to develop hero-like qualities now, because after marriage come children and now is the best time to prepare to be their heroes.

I would like to echo the challenge of Philip Zimbardo, "to take the 'hero pledge,' a public declaration on our website that says you’re willing to be a hero in waiting. It’s a pledge 'to act when confronted with a situation where I feel something is wrong,' 'to develop my heroic abilities,' and 'to believe in the heroic capacities within myself and others, so I can build and refine them.' "

Sources:

Hawkins, A., Dollahite, D., & Draper, T. (2012). The ABCs of Successful Romantic Relationship Development: Meeting, Dating, and Choosing an Eternal Companion. In Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

Zimbardo, P. (2011, January 18). What Makes a Hero? Retrieved October 11, 2015, from http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_makes_a_hero

For the Heroes: A Pep Talk From Kid President

This video is a little long, but well worth it.

Pathways to Eternal Marriage

It is common knowledge that here at BYU-Idaho an emphasis is put on dating. Church lessons, devotional talks, FHE activities, and even classes on campus come back to the topic of dating. Some say that you go to BYU to get married but you go to BYU-Idaho to get an education and get married. Most of the time it seems we get an education on dating.

The thing is, most of us want to date! We really do! As much as we hate the lectures on selfishness and waiting until we graduate to get married, we want to start our families now. For some reason, dating is not occurring. The form of dating has eroded over time.

What happened to chivalry? My roommate was asked out on a date, but he expected her to pick him up, drive them around, and then drop him off afterwards! Most of us are lucky if someone asks us out through a text message. The romance is lost in the messaging and screen time. 

We love the chivalry found in superheroes. Captain America becomes more endearing when he calls Agent Carter "miss" or "m'am". Even Thor treats Jane Foster with respect and uses terms such as "m'lady".  Showing respect towards one another goes a long ways.

It has been found that, "Young women and men more often 'hang out' rather than go on planned dates. Young adults often report finding that even when they have been hanging out with someone over a period of time, they still do not know if they are a couple" (Hawkins). 

The erosion of dating and the apparent death of chivalry has led to pessimism towards marriage. Julie B. Beck said, “Evidence is all around us that the family is becoming less important. Marriage rates are declining, the age of marriage is rising, and divorce rates are rising. Out-of-wedlock births are growing. Abortion is rising and becoming increasingly legal. We see lower birth rates. We see unequal relationships between men and women, and we see cultures that still practice abuse within family relationships. Many times a career gains importance over the family.” Many are familiar with the statistic that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Young people become depressed by this statistic and feel that the chances of them having a lasting marriage are slim. However, this statistic is false! That's right, for years people have been misinformed. It has been declining for years, but somehow this myth lives on.

We need to change this attitude towards marriage. We can't be the Lois Lane waiting for Superman to fly in to save our situation. We are the hero of our own story. We need our own personal lasso of truth to protect us from the evils of the world. Be a hero today. It can all begin with you.

Decide now to live a chaste life, to uphold your standards, and to avoid situations that you may regret. Participate in dating, don't settle for hanging out and hooking up. You have the power to create whatever life you want.

Sources:

          Hawkins, A., Dollahite, D., & Draper, T. (2012). Young Adulthood and Pathways to Eternal Marriage. In Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

          Miller, C. (2014, December 1). The Divorce Surge Is Over, but the Myth Lives On. New York Times.